Authenticity is a bit of a misnomer in that we’re always ourselves but [when] something inside of us feels out of alignment…it causes a conflict which spurns change. ~ Sir Roderic; UT
¡¡¡ THE FOOL !!!
Many lifetimes ago, and yet a mere seven years in linear time, I began walking the path of The Fool…”whatsoever experience comes to you, let it happen, and then go on dropping it…that which is you, cannot be robbed from you…don’t allow situations to corrupt you…carry nothing more than purity, innocence and trust.” ~ Osho
Today, I remain ‘The Fool’ for I am far wiser having donned those fabulous yellow boots!, and I highly recommend you do as well! <<be sure to bring your humor 🙂 >>
Let no one undertake such an experiment who is not prepared to find themselves more of a fool than they thought. ~ A Life of One’s Own
Last week’s blog concluded with the author sharing her newly discovered wide-focus, a focus which allows her greater clarity of self and situations. This week I discuss the continuation of her journey, as she engages more fully in the art of free-flow writing <<as do i!>> and realizes that…
…by writing things down…it is as if I were trying to catch something and writing was the net…which caught the entangled, shadowy form which was other than the meaning of the words. ~ A Life of One’s Own
This style of free-flow is not my usual journaling/writing. This is an unedited, uncensored, unstoppable outward flowing of words which pulls me inward as I write! write! write! without punctuation, nor spelling, nor breath…as if my life depends on the constancy of words flowing outward…for a predetermined time: 10, 20, 30 minutes.
<<following is a g-rated, slightly censored, free-flow of mine, chosen specifically so as not to alarm 😉 >>
…it is the thing I almost walked away from and look what pain that would have caused. a child must know that their parent loves them, more than the love of their own hear.t must know this. I did not have thie. my oarents loved most antying more than me. their whimsical fantasies and desires and wants for skiing etc were far more important and intersteing than simple old me. and I am faltering for words and looking for what to say,, again, words…but the raining is falling so gently outside, I can barely hear it tiptoeing on the roof top and my ears are straining to hear because it is so lovely to hear the rain, washig away, washing away…will i ever wash this all away? ~ my unedited, uncensored, unstoppable outward flowing inward net
This uncensored-net-of-words is greater than the definitions of the individual words. And each time I engage in this art I am amazed by the intimacy of my words; I am no longer aloof, I capture myself.
My Tower of Safety
My ordinary way of looking at things seemed to be from my head, as if it were a tower…so I could only experience and see things from the height of my tower. ~ A Life of One’s Own
The intimacy of the free-flow writing reveals depths I am unaware of…
…I had taken the surface ripples for all there was…but just underneath the calm surface…there were discoveries not entirely pleasant, bringing with them echoes of terror and despair. ~ A Life of One’s Own
Terror and despair? What does the author speak of?
If I had not chosen to engage in the same activities as the author, I would be quite confused by the choice of her words. Terror and despair seem like awfully big demons to discover within oneself, simply through the act of writing…and yet.
And yet. I uncover these same demons, as hidden memories of my past, a past I assumed dead.
As I peel away more and more layers of ignorance, I discover that…
…it was not so easy to know just what one’s self was. It was far easier to want what other people seemed to want and then imagine that the choice was one’s own. ~ A Life of One’s Own
I feel such a buffoon! How have I spent years seeking within and not known of these inner secrets!?!
<<omg, the things i find beneath the veneer of my respectability! gasp! 😉 – undigested terrors, dreams, sorrows and sacred longings>>
I grapple with the reality that my past is alive & kickin’ in the recesses of my awareness, an living entity within me that harbors terror, and I become…
…loth to leave the security of my tower too often. ~ A Life of One’s Own
But. But. But…Curiosity is my drug-of-choice and continually pulls me back down to roam the earth. ♥
¿ Authentic–Integrity ?
As I become more comfortable with the level of intimacy this process offers, I begin to make the journey more frequently.
The journey looks something like this: Curiosity sends me barreling down my tower stairs <<i.e. free-flow writing>> – But upon reaching the bottom I am frightened by the reality within <<i.e. digesting said writings>> – So I race back up! – Only to become curious! – And hasten back down!
It takes quite a number of these trips before I realize that I carry beliefs within me that are at odds with my integrity. WHAT!?! Me? But I prize myself for being integrous! AARRGH!
I am stumped. And sink slowly to a cold, stone stair in the midst of my tower:
¿Can I be authentic to my contradictions, with integrity?
¿¿¿ Can I ???
I wrestle greatly with this question and make no headway. I become frustrated and feel as though I have failed because I am not able to make this new reality fit my desired outcome. I feel as though I am hitting my head against the stone wall of my tower…
…I could not understand at all that my real purpose might be to learn to have no purposes. ~ A Life of One’s Own
I eventually relent to this notion of ‘no purpose’ – which leaves me feeling empty and futile – and remain bothered by this conundrum. I wonder…
…what is the good of imagining I accept what the scientists are saying about the nature of the universe if all the time part of myself is believing something quite different? Might not these beliefs…posses the power to influence my feelings and actions? ~ A Life of One’s Own
<<i repeat the following quote as it is pivotal moment for me>>
Might not these beliefs…posses the power to influence my feelings and actions?
I begin to realize that there are many moments when I am not authentic to my self, but to my past beliefs/experiences!
I recall one particular free-flow writing, <<i could scarcely allow my fingers to continue to fly across the keyboard, vomiting words which i deemed wretched and unsightly!, words i desperately did NOT want to spill-out from within me>> in which it was revealed to me, with unshakeable clarity, how a hidden belief from my past forces me to behave in certain ways, for decades! <<yes, i am old enough to say decades…sigh. 😉 >>
The oddest part of this discovery is that the belief is not nearly as wretched as I originally felt; once I held it, owned it, understood it and released it, I saw ‘it‘ as simply one part of my complexity.
<<and no, the belief did not suddenly disappear, ‘it’ remains within my complexity>>
And, after much musing and pondering, my original question continues to bumble about my bones; Can I be authentic to my contradictions, with integrity?
The Art of Non-Interference
I was usually clumsy-fingered…and impatient to be finished. ~ A Life of One’s Own
During moments of impatience, I find that am completely unaware of my body, engaging life with only my mind, but…
I read somewhere that one should learn to become aware of all one’s bodily movements. I found I could make some internal act while darning my stocking, an act of detachment by which I stood aside from my hand, did not interfere… ~ A Life of One’s Own
…a detachment where my body is free to cry, to dance, to breathe. At first…
…I found great difficult in restraining my head from trying to do my hand’s work…but whenever I succeeded the results startled me; for at once there came a sense of ease…a time to enjoy the feel of movement. ~ A Life of One’s Own
For me, this art of non-interference is a…
…spreading of some vital essence of myself…it was like a spreading of invisible sentient feelers, as a sea anemone spreads wide its feathery fingers. ~ A Life of One’s Own
…my usual attitude to the world was a contracted one…I was yet to learn that state of confidence in which my own feelers would always spread…[and I questioned] what was preventing me spreading my feelers? ~ A Life of One’s Own
In my humble opinion, FEAR.
In my personal experience, FEAR.
In spite of my own fear, it is not uncommon for me to deliberately…
…spread my feelers…[but] I became aware of a vague panic in the back of my mind prompting me to withdraw. Certain fears began to take form, shadowy and elusive, but intense as a missed heart-beat…fear of losing myself… ~ A Life of One’s Own
Again, we see the “echoes of terror” the author spoke of earlier, and reminiscent of the wisdom of The Fool…”whatsoever experience comes to you, let it happen, and then go on dropping it…”
Deadlock in the Underworld
Having survived the wrath of PTSD, I know the chaos that terror breeds so I seek to either befriend or destroy fear/terror in my life.
<<those words sounds very powerful, and a bit arrogant, neither of which do i wish to infer…i speak from a space of exhaustion, and great Hope ♥♥♥>>
Due to my hope of ‘freedom from fear‘, one day…
…without thinking…I turned quickly round upon my fear…framing the question: “What is this ogre which tries to prevent me from feeling the reality of things?” But I was too slow, it had vanished. [So] I must go down to hell and find what taskmaster is lurking there. ~ A Life of One’s Own
<<please replace gender as needed…thanks to Lady Lyneeee for the pic>>
This deadlock continued for more than a year. ~ A Life of One’s Own
A deadlock. No surprise. Every journey has one. <<or more! 😉 >>
And while Patience is required in daily life, it is ne’er-so-much as on an inner journey into the depths of Soul, where Time is but a simple tapestry.
CONCENTRATION = DELIGHT
I often find myself deadlocked with fear, worrying about my future, past and even present! 🙂 It has taken me many failed attempts, across the span of many years, to learn that I cannot outwit, outmaneuver nor outrun fear. Experience has taught me that I must surrender – everything! – and remain present. It became obvious…
…that I so often failed to get the most out of whatever I did because my attention was always wandering… ~ A Life of One’s Own
But I seek to experience life, so…
…the word [concentration] had always…been connected with the dull and burdensome…it meant missing things… ~ A Life of One’s Own
That changed. For me. And not. By choice.
In a last-ditch attempt to heal my brain after severe trauma, I spent thousands of hours concentrating my mind, and ‘missing’ more events than I may ever truly understand.
Oddly enough, I feel I gained by ‘missing’, for these hours of…
…concentration…are a magician’s wand. ~ A Life of One’s Own
The magic of concentration is a withdrawal from my ‘daily mind’, and entrance into the depths of experience, or even other objects, such as…
…a lump of coal on the hearth. From having been aware of it simply as something to burn I began to feel its blackness as a quite new sensation, to feel its ‘thingness’ and the thrust of its shape, to feel after its past in the forests of giant vegetation, in upheavings of the land passing to eons of stillness, and then little men tunneling, the silence and cleanliness of forests going to make up London’s noisy filth. ~ A Life of One’s Own
My idle boredom with the familiar became a deep-breathing peace and delight…my whole attention was gripped…my awareness widened…as long as I could keep myself from meddling. ~ A Life of One’s Own
A few thoughtful options…
- Am I willing to ‘play the fool’ in order to learn anew?
- Do I trust life to ‘happen’ or do I feel the need to intervene? control? manipulate?
- Do I allow myself to ‘un-censor’, through writing, dancing, crying, singing, etc?
- If yes, do I learn new things about my inner world?
- Do I fear knowing all that is within me?
- Do I have contradictions within my personality?
- If yes, can I be authentic to my contradictions, with integrity?
- Do I practice non-interference of the mind upon my body?
- If yes, do enjoy the delights of the body when doing so?
- If yes, does my essence spread outward, sensorially?
- Do I live in a contracted state?
- If yes, what do I need in order to spread my feelers into the world?
- Am I patient when making inner-journeys of discovery?
- If no, could familiarizing myself with nature’s cycles/growth help me perceive time differently?
- Have I experienced the delight of concentration?
- If no, would I like to? How/where should I begin?